The Frantic Goose

White-Fronted Goose, John James Audubon

The Frantic Goose is an individual ever in motion. Buzzing in busyness. They must be moving and to be observed and recognized for their constant state of exerting themselves at full energy in all of their industries. The Frantic Goose lives in a way that reveals no doubts of their vocation—the absolute, or at least their version of the absolute. Their belief is that their own pursuits, values, and life affirming path is objectively the correct way of living. With this heavy calling, they assign themself many responsibilities. In their endeavors, the Frantic Goose is the main character with many goslings to tend: missions to undertake, projects to manage, and followers to guide.

The Frantic Goose’s extension is on show, it would be rude not to acknowledge, and they display their efforts with this social obligation in mind. They present themself as dedicated, and expect others to recognize this. It would be preposterous to add to their duties, and they cite their current to do list if anyone breaks this unspoken rule. Others might consider it an honor if the Frantic Goose takes a moment to inquire after them, their interests, their activities. But one does not expect much more than a simple question. One is already recognized enough with a simple polite inquiry. The Frantic Goose has moved on to the next task they must address once an individual has their turn to speak for a minimum number of moments. The other speaks far too slowly for them, maybe because the other does not recognize how busy they are or maybe because the other is intimidated by their efficiency. They resist trying to rush the other, perhaps they cut the other off inattentively, to say their next speech that rolls off their tongue with their exasperated heaviness. The Goose is available to the other as much as the other supports the absolute. The Frantic Goose often recites the current iteration of their responsibilities, as if the speech is as sacred as some holy rites a priest performs, and they adamantly defend their time and attention since these resources are their modes to execute their duties. 

The Frantic Goose’s uniform involves sneakers to match their fast paced lifestyle. A travel mug for their hydration is also necessary, since to pause is a vice. If there is a soccer mom van, a desk, a kitchen island, really any flat surface in their environment, it is cluttered with paperwork and equipment for the latest few pursuits. They use this claimed space to hold court, doling out duties to anyone who will listen, most of all themself, to support their quests. Good luck finding a particular document or tool, unless they have taken time to explain exactly where it is, time they think would have been more efficiently employed if they had retrieved the item themself. The treat stash is always well stocked for quick access to the next caffeine and sugar rush. One might suspect they have something stronger in the medicine cabinet. They run on these stimulating fuels. To speak to a Frantic Goose, one must be intentional and direct to claim their attention, which is quickly fleeting, as time is their precious resource. The schedule is immutable in their mind and their words, sacred in invocation; yet a little skepticism reveals that life does not match the order and timeliness of what they often claim. 

There are many discrepancies between what they say and how they live. They rather accomplish an impressive amount, quite efficiently. If they accomplished half of what they claim to have in the works at any moment, they would be superhuman indeed. Yet something about the way they attend to so many initiatives from one day to the next seems to support how many are achieved. Even if several of them are forgotten. Each new idea is earnestly promoted and fervently attempted in the beginning.

Their responsibilities are as significant to them as scripture, especially appealed to when anyone dares to try to add to their tasks. The Frantic Goose is a victim to their obligations, nicely hiding behind the recitation and a pledge to uphold their commitments. And yet when a particular event materializes, the Frantic Goose arrives significantly late, fresh coffee in hand. The Goose makes their apologies—there are several—which are many excuses of circumstances, enumerated so quickly to bury the listeners and make it impossible to object to each in turn. Most of their rationale concerns presenting the energy of the world as random, but some of it sounds suspiciously rather mundane, routine, and predictable. The sincerity of the Frantic Goose is so prominent, the others just wish the speech to finish so the business can resume. Even those who enjoy drama can be overwhelmed by the frequency of this theater. 

The Frantic Goose’s professed motivation is altruism. In reality, it is recognition and a religious perspective of virtue. 

The Frantic Goose is community oriented, which creates obligations for themself and for the others. The Goose involves the community in their occupations as if everyone assumes responsibility and partakes in the shared duties prescribed by the Goose, even though there was no discussion or agreement. They desire a specific kind of control, a control which comes with their belief in their mission: convert and follow. Community is important, but their community is small, so that they create themself as the maternal bird in their small pond. The Frantic Goose establishes themself as the leader by default, the one who organizes and takes care of those around them. It follows in their private logic that their vocation is worth their effort and the others ought to commit to and support the same path with their own talents. Those who do are valuable to them and deemed worthy of being admired as good, wise, kind. 

The Frantic Goose is a missionary in that they want others to subscribe to their beliefs as a way of being. Those who are not converted are not worth the notice. It is aggressive: if the others do not follow what they want and how they believe, the others are an obstacle to fulfill their desire. If the Frantic Goose deems another worthy, in smarts and values, the Goose accepts recognition and criticism; but the average person is discarded because they do not believe. The Goose rejects the criticism not from the weakness of the argument or position, but because the critiquer does not subscribe, so they do not know or care about the same values—an ad hominem position. Towards the unbelievers they have a pretentious contempt: pretentious because there are the categories of believers and unbelievers to create an evaluation of worthiness, and contempt because the unbelievers are found unworthy of any more consideration beyond this evaluation. The Goose puts their heart and soul into their work and therefore grants or withholds their good opinion on others depending on how much each supports and recognizes the projects and efforts of the Goose. If one were to confront them with their simple criterion, they would deny and cite the greater good they believe they were ordained to uphold. 

The Frantic Goose is constantly overcommitted and under delivering. Their exhaustion is their robe of virtue. Like a Puritan, the more they suffer, the more they feel fulfilled in their vocation, worthy in their cause. To question this employment, their overcommitment, their ability to manage their various nests is to criticize the essence of their being. The Frantic Goose takes any such comment as a declaration of like or dislike, which is simply black and white, for or against, both for themself and for the other. They know, when awards are being bestowed, that others accomplish goals, sometimes even more than they do, which they envy. But they soon dismiss this imbalance with their private logic: the other has a different path or capability explained by the right combination of pills, being born into privilege, or some other superhuman trait. Perhaps they even conclude that the other is cheating.

One would expect an individual to be light and graceful from all of the energy it takes to be so much in motion, but the Frantic Goose is heavy from the burden of their self imposed responsibilities. The Goose is happy to wear their franticness like badges of honor: each messy hair, wrinkle in the shirt, stack of papers is testament to how many projects they manage at once, and therefore how good they are. As if others do not have errands to run and tasks to balance in their daily lives. The Goose does not stop moving. If they concentrated on one task at a time, they would be more effective, or so others have claimed, but they do not stop to consider this possibility. They imagine they are the sole juggler keeping everything in their immediate environment in motion. Their little goslings would easily go astray and get into trouble if not for their constant attention.